The Medieval News Network (MNN) reports today that torture by representatives of the Holy Office has occurred. But, contrary to critics, the Holy Office reports that torture, indeed, has worked.
Not everyone is happy, since torture can be an ugly business ... fingernails pulled out, wives raped, pokers applied to eye-sockets and so on. But critics are at a loss for words after the Arch-Bishop of Intelligence released documents showing that torture, in fact, works. Begging for mercy after having the soles of their feet beaten until they split like ripe tomatoes, heretics have recanted their evil plots to subvert Christendom. Some methods are admittedly a little on the harsh side - water torture being among the most feared - but invoking terror in suspects held indefinitely without legal representation or any contact with the outside world is a job that somebody has got to do.
Mr. _________ is a dungeon-keep for the Holy Office. He's a normal guy with a wife and three playful kids (full disclosure: Mr. ________'s basement door is steel, airtight and has three heavy padlocks on it, which is kind of creepy given his occupation). On the weekend he plays ball with the kids and takes the family on outings. But, during the week, Mr. ________ is hard at work torturing the most hardened suspects for God and Country.
What drew him into this line of work? "I just wanted to do whatever it takes to keep my family safe. I'm like any other guy. I just want my children to grow up happy and healthy. No one wants to do the kind of work I do, it's just a thankless, grueling job, but somebody has to do it and I have a ... a ... 'gift' for torture. Not many people have that ability to just go inside the torture victim's mind and really inculcate terror into him or her. I find that it just comes natural. It's like walking or riding a bike. You just do it." Mr. _______ says the hardest part is having to hide what he does for a living from others. "People just have this tendency to misunderstand. They seem to think that only a sadistic or sociopathic personality could do what I do for a living and nothing could be further from the truth. I couldn't hurt a fly. Heck, I have to get my wife to kill spiders for me."
The Pope is worried that too much criticism of torture could hamper the Holy Office's ability to stop heresy. "We just need solidarity in this difficult time for Christendom. We have Jews, Arabs and all sorts of non-white people trying to sneak in here and pull the whole system down on its head. Pretty soon, we're going to see mosques and synagogues sprouting up all around... all this polytheism could lead to a return to the liberal values of ancient Greece and we can't have that. We must stop all dissent around the issue of torture. Heretics whose souls have been spared should thank us for racking them until their legs and arms come out of joint and and dropping them from height with their arms tied behind their back. Through these dire, but necessary, measures they were assisted in recanting before suffering the fires of eternal hell. But those who cannot be helped, those whose souls are so hardened that they refuse to recant their heresies and confess their plots to undermine Christendom taste the first flames of eternal hell licking at their body upon this earth while burning at the stake."
A poll of the peasantry shows that most peasants are uninterested in the abuses of heretics occurring in the custody of dungeon-keeps like Mr. ________. "If they hadn't done somethin', they wouldn't be in the dungeon" one local peasant woman said. A shop-keeper in the market said, "We have to be willing to sacrifice a few heretics if we intend to keep the kingdom safe from the barbarians outside our borders who would wipe us all off the face of the earth given half a chance." "We just all need to unite around the Pope and blindly do anything and everything he says because he really cares for each and every one of us as if we were his very own child" said a local monk, "It's really those who are blaming the Pope and the dungeon-keeps for doing their job that are a danger to Christendom. These 'liberals' are really just heretic-sympathizers. Maybe they could use a little splash of water in the face down in one of the dungeons to sober them up. They need to come to grips with the reality that we are facing."